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The more you desire to disappear the closer you get to fulfilling that wish. You’re body, your conciousness may not just disparate into thin air, but everything inside of you, the things that make you more than a puppet, seep out through the seams, until you’re left an empty void, nothing but an empty shell, just hoping to die.

I’m so tired of being a useless fucking piece of shit. I’ve been trying so hard and I’m right back where I started. Wishing I could just stop existing. How can one person fuck so much shit up?

I’m scared

It’s been so long. It’s been almost 2 years since I cut. Ive been doing so well. I have a family now. But I feel myself falling back into that dark hole I worked so hard to get out of. And I’m terrified, I won’t make it out alive a second time…

traced-veins:

You weren’t a clear cut form of self destruction, rather always subtle and quiet and difficult to understand. It was the way you lay outside and the sun slowly moves across the horizon until it’s dark and you don’t even remember it setting.

“I like it better when it’s dark, things always seem prettier and softer that way,“ you’d tell me and I’d think about the first time you fucked me in the darkness of your mothers basement. You spoke in one word text messages and I wrote you love letters by hand and I fell for you, over and over again while you slowly stopped picking yourself up off the floor.

Today I almost asked you “Are we in love or did we burn out?“ because when I met you it was like stepping out into the sunlight, but now you feel much more like the 2 am loneliness that leaves you empty and aching; aching for hands that don’t want to hold you any longer.
I remember that one night my mother had to come and lay with me,
I was crying so hard she must’ve heard my heart rattling in my chest.
She came in softly, asking if I needed anything, to her surprise, I needed her.
So she laid next to me, holding me, talking to me as I was gasping for air in-between sobs.
Telling me that she loved me wasn’t enough, every time she said “You’ll be okay, it’s alright, you’ll get through this, it’s normal”
I wanted to scream and say it wasn’t okay & im not okay, I wasn’t gonna get through it & how could something so normal hurt so bad?
Instead I curled up closer to her as if I was an infant needing attention from their mother.
My body shook as an unpleasant draft hit me reminding me of what it felt like when you walked away,
She said to me “ forevers are not real, you need to focus on you now.”
What didn’t she understand? I could not focus, you consumed my entire being.
You took parts of me that no one else was supposed to know about except me.
I wasn’t a doormat. You used me like one.
Weeks later you call & mom says don’t answer. Why didn’t I listen?
I answer, all you and your girlfriend spit out are venomous words. I hang up, desperately trying to breathe, mom why didn’t I listen I think.
My mother comes into the bathroom as I sit under blistering hot water, I think she felt my lungs collapsing at the point of trying to breathe.
She turned the water to something a little cooler & offered me to go out.
I refused. I refused to let someone try and show me some type of love after you.
She waited until I was done & took me to get taco bell; the whole way there I cried.
That night, I didn’t finish my food. In fact, I didn’t even touch it. It sat there till the next morning.
Now, let’s fast forward a year to where I’m at now.
When you call my heart no longer burns & my mother no longer has to stay up with me.
When your name is mentioned I speak of you as if we were friends & not ex-lovers.
My mother doesn’t brag about how her daughter got up & actually took a shower today; I wouldn’t either. Instead my mother brags about the way I string words into thread that could cut a wound in someones soul.
Instead my mother offers me taco bell knowing I won’t leave it there to waste.
My mother doesn’t brag about how she spent 9 months watching over me so I didn’t kill myself, but she tells people that I am intelligent & mature.
Although I pushed away my family for you darling, they’re still here & you’re not. So thank you. Thank you for the lesson learned.
Thank you, my lesson was learned. (via suicidalscreamingg)
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